Cat
by Sage347
Summary: One can only wonder why a random cat decides to launch itself at the elder Uchiha brother. One will also wonder what that cat is doing with a Sharingan.
1. Sasuke?

**A/N**- Holy crap. What the heck is _wrong _with me? ...Don't answer that. Just...forgive me for losing my sanity long enough to actually _write _this...

Ahem. Anyhoo... I couldn't resist making a Sasu-kitty fic of my own. The chapters won't be very long most of the time, but who knows, and the updates will come whenever I feel like it (so that means maybe once a month, or maybe once a day), but I do intend to do more of this.

Sasuke will be shuffled in and out of various places. -cackles-

...Who knows, maybe I'll make Itachi and Madara cats, too. That should be fun.

_Without further adeu,_

**Cat**

_Now, one can only wonder why a random cat decides to launch itself at the elder Uchiha brother... _

_Ah, yes. _

_Because it's Sasuke._

The sharp yowl was the first indicator. The blur of black was the second.

Stepping back casually, Itachi watched as the hissing, growling and bristling cat flew right past his face.

It landed on swift paws and launched once more, only to be caught by the scruff of it's neck and held while it attempted everything it could to break free and attack.

Kisame, who the cat was now facing, paused. "Itachi...why does that cat have a sharingan?"

The question hung in the air for but a moment as the cat, having hung limp in temporary defeat, was turned back around.

As soon as it saw his face, it reared up again, attempting to reach; sure enough, it had a pair of crimson eyes that mirrored Itachi's own.

"...Sasuke?" He inquired, blinking.

The cat halted, a glare obvious in his eyes. He seemed to be trying to communicate with a look, attempting to say _"What do __**you **__think?"_ ...

Unfortunately, though the look said it quite well, it was also quite adorable.

The corners of his lips turned up, and he looked again to his partner. "Kisame," Itachi began, "Is there any chance you have a camera?"

A venemous, furious hiss was Sasuke's response to that, and his attempts began anew.


	2. Pet Me

**A/N**- -Sigh-. Yet again, I question my (lack of) sanity... Anyhoo, the idea for this actually came from an idea I had about a fanart for a fic called Take It or Leave It, and I found it too priceless to leave alone. So, me being me, I have to credit it for being my wonderful inspiration. Love you, Fallacy! -hug-

_Ahem. Without further adeu, here's the second chapter of; _

**Cat**

_**-**_

_I object to this treatment! _Sasuke inwardly cried, outwardly growing in warning.

Yet still, he was not released from the grasp of his captor-- well, he wasn't really _stuck _there, but every time he tried to leave, something happened to make him stay...

Like this.

_This isn't fair! _He continued his inward rant, half-heartedly scratching at the vital organs that were so close, yet so far.

_Oh_, Sasuke mused, leaning into the nails scratching at his ear. _Oh, right there... _

It took a moment.

_NO! DAMNIT!_

He lept away, half growling and half purring as his little kitty body danced away from Itachi (who still seemed quite humored by the whole ordeal, even if he didn't _really _show it most of the time).

_Damn you, Itachi! _Sasuke glared at him as he gazed back, appearing both amused and miffed at his little brother's mixed reactions.

Kisame, sitting nearby, chuckled as he plucked tiny hairs (complete with bits of skin) from his sword. Where they had come from, no one really wanted to know.

The two brothers stared each other down for but a moment before Sasuke realized that he was clearly getting nowhere by hanging around Itachi... he wasn't getting any closer to his goal in this form, and like _hell _was he about to accept help (that would never come in the first place) from either of these two ... he'd have to find somewhere else to get _out _of this form.

As he pondered this, he failed to notice the nearing presence until it was too late; just as he made up his mind to leave, he was being picked up and moved through the air, creating a disturbing sense of vertigo.

Yowling and thrashing blindly only got him so far as that little spot behind his ears was scratched again, instantly rendering him a pile of goo.

_No!_ That tiny, inner voice protested, knowing exactly who had administered the scratches.

It was squashed as soon as delicate strokes along his back were introduced to the pattern, and Sasuke was thrown instantly into a world of purring.

_Yesss_, a new inner voice piped up, quite in favor of this new turn of events.

What felt like minutes later, he came to, curled up on someone's stomach. Blinking blearily, he wondered distantly what had happened.

If he still had the capability, he would have turned very, very pale. As it was, he could feel his fur bristling, but he made no movements, favoring instead the act of trying to deny what he knew as truth.

And, if he still had the capability, Sasuke might have even sobbed. _How _could he have let that just... just _happen_? He had fallen asleep after willingly being _pet _by _Itachi_, for crying out loud!

He pulled away as soon as he saw a hand within his line of sight, not quite fast enough as he was again rendered jello by that _damn _scratching.

..._Will I __**ever **__get away? _Sasuke wondered pitifully, knowing he had a serious problem on his hands.

...Paws.

...Whatever.


	3. Cats and Dogs do NOT mix

**A/N**- Woo, I'm back. Bet you're all excited about that, right?

Alllllrighty, if you hate any of the characters I plan on using (briefly) in this story, too bad. Please don't put anywhere in your review how much you hate them... XD Except for Sasuke. Even if I don't hate him, he _will _suffer throughout the length of this fic and I understand that I will make a lot of Sasuke haters happy. Muahaha.

I couldn't resist throwing in Ino, Kiba and Sakura...Neji will play a small role here, unfortunately. This lil arc will last just long enough for Sasuke to get thrown to the next group of people who'll torture him (here's a hint- Hinata will be there, and in a mixed bathhouse...with Naruto. This is gonna be _fun_.), so I apologize for the lack of funnies; it needed to be done. sigh

Expect one more chapter of crazy SasuSakuInoKibaNeji goodness, before we can move on to HinaNaruSasu-insert other names here- goodness... and then, the fun begins, where we find Orochimaru, peanuts, and all of these previously mentioned people currently in hate with Sasuke for reasons I can't disclose.

YAY!

**Ahem. **

_I present the third chapter of Sasukit-- er, _

_**Cat**__._

_Have no fear of random, and disturbing, implied pairings._

_**-**_

He was free. Finally, after a week of being rendered goo against his will (Oh, _please_, who _believes _that?), Sasuke had broken free and was running madly away from people who weren't even chasing him.

Hours and hours of running led him to being underfoot of a group of Konoha shinobi, and Sasuke wondered just what he had done wrong in his life.

The answer came quickly, but of course, he was in denial already... what could more of it hurt?

"KITTY!" A feminine squeal, too familiar to be any less than horrifying, reached his hypersensitive ears as he was grabbed around the waist and squished to a blonde woman's chest.

Sasuke whimpered.

"Put that down!" Another woman hissed, this voice also familiar, "Who _knows _what it's got?"

Tensing at that, the visibly insulted Sasuke returned her hiss, not caring that his eyes had bled to the Sharingan and identified him easily.

"Geez, forehead," Ino grumbled, protectively cradling the over-abused Sasuke and ignoring Sakura's by then shocked face, "It's _just _a cat, and we're medics anyways!"

"Th..tha.._that cat_--!" Sakura sputtered, gathering the attention of her three teammates. Neji blinked at her, pausing in his dainty eating, Ino raised an eyebrow and Kiba twitched for the third consecutive time.

It was then that Sasuke noticed Akamaru on a branch, poised and baring sharp teeth silently.

"What about it?" Ino inquired after a long period of silence.

"I..I... I just... look at its eyes!" Sakura said at last.

"Hm?" Ino blinked, pulling it back to do as suggested as her curiosity sparked. She gaped openly as she saw that the previously gorgeous black eyes had turned to a vicious, familiar red. Making a squeaking sound, she dropped it and jumped back, and chaos insued.

Akamaru lept at the cat, Kiba halfway to it already, and said cat yowled as it dodged the crazed Inuzukas.

Jumping swiftly up onto the great dog's head, the cat propelled itself into Sakura's stunned arms and climbed the way to her shoulder, hiding behind her short pink hair and hissing avidly in victory.

"Stop it!" Sakura snapped, holding up her hand as the two debated whether or not to tackle their teammate in order to reach their target. "Get ahold of yourselves, honestly!"

Coming back to his senses, Kiba coughed, muttering an apology he both did and didn't mean.

Gingerly, the pink haired kunoichi grasped the cat and held it before her. Eyes wide, mouth dry and heart pounding, she had only to look into the spinning red eyes to know the answer to her silent question.

They weren't enigmatic enough to belong to Itachi.

"...S-S...Sasuke-kun?" She managed, feeling every ounce of energy she had sweep out of her as red faded to onyx and shifted away from her face to stare at a spot on a tree behind her.

Sakura knew that if Sasuke was capable of talking at the time, he still wouldn't have said a damn thing.


	4. Ino Loves You, Be Afraid

**A/N**- Yeah, this chapter's pretty boring in my opinion, but hey, it gives off the information it needs to, so whatever. (Edit: AND I EXTENDED IT. Be happy.)

_Chapter four of_

_**Cat **_

_When in doubt, give Sasukitty to Ino._

_**-**_

"What do we do with him?" Ino asked at last as they all sat around the campfire (that they really should have stamped out a few minutes ago...), a _discreetly_ purring Sasuke being absently pet by Sakura as the pink-haired kunoichi nipped at her bottom lip hesitantly.

"Well, we have to bring him back to Konoha," She spoke slowly, "But ...I..."

"We might want to find a way to get him out of this...form...first." Neji stated for her, blinking slowly.

Ino frowned, "But what if he gets free in the meantime, or afterwards? We could never see him again." She pointed out.

Sakura shook her head. "I know, I know... but if we take him back to Konoha, there will be all sorts of proceedings and complicated meetings ... he might never get out of this- this 'form'. I just...can't let that happen. You understand, right?"

Viridian eyes met hesitantly with azure, and an uncertain frown was met with a wavering smile.

"Yeah, yeah...whatever, forehead girl. If Naruto gets pissy with you, it's _your _fault."

Sakura winced at the mention of her eccentricly clad friend, subconsciously tightening her grasp on the ninja-turned-cat. The two teams on a supposedly 'dangerous' information gathering mission had split up two towns ago to cover more ground, splitting their Hyuugas for better coverage, and were due to meet up within the week at their stopping point... a town ironically named Sakura, recently formed in a nowhere area full of wheat.

None of them had liked the idea of seperating, in case they came across a threat, but all had agreed that it would be the most beneficial to cover a lot of ground quickly in case they needed the time later. They were to remain within the range of each respective Hyuuga, as well.

An awkward silence reigned, broken only by the just-then noticed purring of one Uchiha Sasuke. Sakura's hand paused in the realization, and Sasuke's bleary eyes looked up at her in confusion and annoyance.

She could practically hear his voice as she stared into his obsidian pools.

_Why the hell did you stop, woman? _

Her brow twitched faintly, and a wicked smirk took place of her previous surprised countenenace. She stood, and handed Sasuke over to Ino, not missing the panic in the boy/cat's feline visage as she chuckled to herself.

Oh, yes.

This would be _quite _amusing.

_**-**_

**A/N**- sigh...because I am so kind, I have decided to extend this chapter. It was just so _boring_, it almost wasn't fair to even _me_, _seriously_! How do you people put up with me? D:

_**-**_

"Does anyone remember saying where we would meet them?" Sakura inquired after the four shinobi (and a cat) had stood at the gates of the village for a period of silence.

"I can find them," Neji offered, "But we don't know if my Byakugan would be sensed or recognized." He didn't add that there was a bathhouse in this particular town and that he didn't exactly _feel _like having to see inside of one for the fifth time in a month. The first four times had been mortifying as it was.

"No," Kiba muttered, taking rare mercy on the Hyuuga as he recalled Hinata's mass of fainting spells not too long ago, "That's not necessary...I'll sniff them out."

And so, they stumbled across the terrifying sight that was a stark naked Naruto chasing down a gleeful (and slightly fearful) prankster of a child belonging to Sakura village.

Twin coals found themselves meeting with vibrant, if stunned, eyes of cobalt as all sound and motion ceased.

"SASUKE-TEME?!"

**A/N**- Well, yeah. I had to throw that in there. I just _had _to.


	5. Get him, Sasuke and a note from me

**A/N**- A recent reviewer has caused me to find the need to explain a few things. -wink- About the incredulity; come on, now. Firstly you have Itachi, who (ignoring the recent enlightenments in the manga) walks around with a _fish-man_. Then you've got Sakura, who has pink hair, and a bunch of other freaks (talks to dogs, sees through walls...is just plain weird...).

And that last 'statement' from Naruto wasn't "OMG MY LOVELY BEST FRIEND, I LOVE YOU!", thanks.

Ahem... as I pointed out (I'll thank you for saying what you did, because I had assumed it was obvious...-sweatdrop- then again, I'm the author..so...) to said reviewer, the recognition is so far only people who knew Sasuke really, really well.

Kisame recognized the sharingan, but not the person (er...cat); Ino recognized the eyes as being really, really red, and Kiba just wanted to tackle a cat. Neji was..just...Neji...-cough-

Anyhoo, even if none of this is so; this is a crack fic. _Sasuke is a fucking cat_. Like I'm going to have everything make sense? Uhhh...no! Anywhoo, I'll thank you once again, but please, I'm not an idiot and I actually _do _have common sense; I just have this issue with thinking everyone is going to understand the things I write, when clearly nobody does. XD

(PS- I have all the way to the seventh chapter written out, but I keep forgetting to update...I figured before my dear reviewer throws a hissy fit, I should throw the one that makes the most and least sense out into the sea of sharks. It's rather funny that they reviewed when they did, actually.)

_But yeah. _

_Without further adeu, I present the fifth chapter of:_

_**Cat**_

_"YOU'RE A CAT!"_

_"AND YOU'RE A RETARD! Want a cookie?"_

"SASUKE-TEME?!"

...

"YOU'RE A CAT!" Naruto wheezed, cackling madly.

_AND YOU'RE NAKED! ..Thankyou, __**dipshit**__..._ Sasuke inwardly retorted, outwardly growling.

"S-S-Sakura-chan," He managed to hack out through his laughter, "Wh-what the hell, 'ttebayo?! 'ryou _serious_?!"

Sasuke's claws came out before he was swatted quite rudely on the head, knocked senseless.

"Yes." Sakura sighed, closing her eyes, "And could you _put some clothes on_?! No one needs to see that!"

The prankster child in Ino's grasp lowered his head sheepily, holding out the orange garments. With a _dignified_ blush, Naruto put them on, clearing his throat and turning serious at last.

"So, uh...Sasuke-teme... can you...talk or anything?" He asked, awkwardly making hand odd gestures.

"Not as far as we know..." Sakura supplied, blinking as he again climbed atop her shoulder, perching and standing as tall and proud as he was able. "But he seems to be able to understand us quite well."

"...And he can't, like, fight?"

"Aside from being slightly more agile than most cats, not as far as we know," Sakura said again, "But he still has sharp claws and teeth; he's also smaller and harder to catch, as he proved with Kiba and Akamaru."

"Okay then." Naruto said, nodding acceptingly. "Well... there's something I should say, 'ttebayo."

Sakura raised an eyebrow.

"Sasuke..._you're a fucking moron_!" He shouted, the slight grin of being able to do something without consequence spreading across his face. Sasuke stiffened. Sakura's eyes narrowed slightly. "And, just so you know, even if this is completely ridiculous and I have to wonder if you're faking it, I will _never _let you live it down."

_And he __**wonders **__why I __**left**__?!_

"Sasuke-kun," Sakura whispered softly, "Get him."

"W-wha-- _**AHHH!**_"

_**-**_

**A/N**- Eh. I think I'm losing my touch for this fic... not to mention my inspiration. I have ideas, yeah, but it's slowly dying away as something humorous and random and becoming something with an actual _plot_-- GAH! Every time I get into that, I die like 1/3 of the way through... XD

Ah well. I'll finish this thing if it kills me-- well, not really. If it threatens to kill me I'll drop it like a sack of potatoes.

Anyways, I might have come off as rude up there -points to first A/N-, but if you ask me I really wasn't that rude. If you want me to be rude, I'll be rude, but that up there was me talking as I usually do and I happen to like the way I talk. :D

But yeah. I'm apologizing because it was pointed out to me by someone who happened to look over and start reading without my permission -glares at said criminal-, and I figured it's not like it could hurt to mention this in case I do it again in the future and piss someone off... -nervous laugh-


	6. I'm sorry, what?

**A/N**- Howdy, ya'll! ...ignore that. Ahem. I couldn't help the cold hit towards InoSasu. I like the pairing, myself, (and Ino, for that matter) if it's done right (BARBIE AND KEN! YAY! _gag me with a spoon. _Just...no.), but it was just way too easy to insult the girl.

So, naturally, I did it. Sorry to all the Ino fans... XD I'm not bashing her, I was just having some fun.

But yeah...

_Without further adeu,_

_I present the sixth chapter of; _

_**Cat**_

_"He seemed to hate me, and I don't even know why!" _

_"..."_

_**-**_

It was all very, very quiet (you know, aside from the sounds of screeching, yowling, hissing and, of course, rending flesh).

"S-Sakura-san?" Hinata inquired as gently as she was able, coming to a halt before the strange scene.

"Hm?"

"Wh-why... why is there a cat mauling Naruto-kun?"

"Oh, well, Naruto was being rude to Sasuke-kun, so--"

Pale eyes went wide, "Sasuke-san is here?"

"..."

"Sakura-san?"

"...Yes, Hinata. Sasuke-kun is here." Sakura said, attempting to keep her face impassive.

"..I-is he hiding? Should Neji-nii-san and I try to-- to look for him?"

At that, Kiba burst out laughing, unable to contain himself further. Sakura shot him a dirty glare, and he promptly shut up. "Sorry..."

Taking a deep breath, the kunoichi turned to face the Hyuuga heiress. "Hinata-san...the cat is Sasuke-kun."

Hinata blinked, falling silent for but a moment. "I-I'm sorry?" She inquired, brow furrowing slightly.

Sakura sighed. "Neji-san, Ino-pig?" She called.

"It seems that it is the truth, Hinata-sama," Neji supplied, "The cat's eyes have turned to the Sharingan several times without a henge or any sort, and it seems ...far too similar to the Uchiha to be an animal's act."

Ino frowned. "It was weird, though. The cat seemed to hate me, and I don't even know why. Sasuke-kun wouldn't be that cold towards me..."

Neji blinked. "As I said," He murmured, "Far too similar to be an act."

Hinata looked between the four shinobi, blinking periodically. "Ano...alright then..." She managed, looking towards the stilling forms of the ca--er, Sasuke... and Naruto.

"AGH! I'm sorry! Sasuke-teme! STOP!!"


	7. Reaction Time

A normal, human reaction time is that of just over a second. It varies, from person to person, and from training, but the time it takes to process what's going on and choose the best way to react generally stays around one second.

A tiny, split second in time, but a second nonetheless.

At any one time, a person is focusing on at least ten things; they have to be in order to process colors and wavelengths, depths, speeds and shapes. It takes next to no time at all to notice something unconsciously, but then you have to figure out what it is you just noticed.

Now, for someone who is trained to do so, all of this is reduced to a minimal amount as well as being conscious instead of _sub_conscious; however, the brain is not capable of doing such things without nano seconds of time passing by as gears shift.

...Nothing really is... since... you know... it's _time_. Tree branch breaks, it still takes time to fall to the ground and crush you, y'know? Can't make it instant, just like you can't completely destroy anything (since the literal definition sortof means "to obliterate any and all traces of completely", and not "disentigrate to a fine dust nobody can see").

And of course, you have your prodigies, who have an inherent ability to do this at lightspeeds even without proper training. Then you have your prodigies who have been trained... who are really just kind of freakishly amazing in that way.

So! Assuming you've reduced your time by any of these factors, you're at about a .4 reaction time speed. If all, probably around .2...ish. All depends, really, it varies from person to person.

You've noticed, you've realized, you've said _oh shit_ and you've begun to move (literally or figuratively) in reaction.

In the case of a fight, reaction time doesn't do _shit _if you're too slow to move your ass, but I digress...

In unique cases, where there's a lot to process (say, for instance, you wake to find your view point several feet shorter; there are a multitude of reasons why-- you could be on the ground, on your knees, everything could have risen for some reason, or you might have been turned into a furry black cat...), your reaction time is noticeably slower with good reason.

Also, if your brain is particularly sluggish for whatever reason, your reaction time is doubled if not tripled; sometimes, it can be increased to about ten seconds. Perhaps a minute if you're a particularly dim light bulb... but usually no longer than thirty seconds, and no shorter than four.

And so, it was about six seconds before Uchiha Itachi realized that he was, in fact, a furry black cat.

It was rare, at least in the public sense, that a single swear word would be heard from the elder Uchiha.

At this particular instance, in the safety of his own, kitty-mind, Hidan would have been _proud_.


End file.
